official Unwinding after a long day thread

[Darkmew]

James decided to take up sky diving as a hobby. On his first solo jump, he pulled the ripcord at the right time, but nothing happened. The parachute wouldn't open. He then pulled the emergency chute, but that appeared to be stuck too.

As he glanced down to see the ground rushing towards him, he noticed a man hurtling upward directly at him.

"Hey!" James shouted. "Would you happen to know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" the man yelled back. "Would you happen to know anything about gas stoves?"

[Darkmew]

As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.

How do basketball players stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!

I can remember the old days of basketball when they shot the ball up at the basket, not down into it.

Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to his music? A: Because he broke a record!

They're a team in transition. They're going from bad to worse.

Q: What's a cheerleader's favorite color? A: Yeller!

Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is? A: Because they dribble all over the court.

Q: Why do basketball players love cookies? A: Because they can dunk them!

Q: Why did the basketball player go to jail? A: Because he shot the ball!

Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

Q: What do basketball players and babies have in common? A: They both dribble!

[Darkmew]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[Darkmew]

Blindly Sky-Diving
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[Darkmew]

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

[Darkmew]

An Englishman waiting to tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by a leash and the rest of the people were walking in a straight line behind the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the dog and asks " Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion. but I have never seen such a string funeral. the dog and all the people walking in a straight line???" The man with the dog answers "This is my wife's funeral." "But why the dog?" asks the Englishman. "She died because this dog here bit her," said the man with the dog. "Very sorry to hear that. Would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?" "Sure" says the man with the dog, "get to the back of the line."

[Darkmew]

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.' So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.' The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the ****, just for screwing around with my wife.'

[Darkmew]

Instructions Posted At A Local Golf Club
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

[Darkmew]

A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby. "Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. then the goalkeeper, stepped forward. "I'm a professional goalkeeper," he called to the woman. "I'm renonwned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.

[Darkmew]

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."