official Unwinding after a long day thread

[Darkmew]

please move this thread into the offtopic zone
sorry to post in the wrong section
this thread i am dedicating to unwinding after a long day...

please enjoy the jokes and riddles


Lets start with one many people probably know...

Why was Cinderella such a bad player?

>Her coach was a pumpkin

[Darkmew]

Finally reaching the top of a steep hill, the two friends on a tandem bicycle
were panting and sweating profusely.
"Gosh, that was a tough climb," said the cyclist in front.
"Was it ever," replied the second cyclist. "Darn good thing I kept the brake on
or else we would have slid down backwards."

[Darkmew]

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

[Darkmew]

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[Darkmew]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Darkmew]

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching there tomorrow night."

[Darkmew]

There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired.

His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable."

Bill said, "Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."

"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him, "that must have been terrible!"

"It was," he said, "all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again..."

[Darkmew]

Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes, whack!..."damn!"

And a skydiver goes, "damn!"... whack!

[Darkmew]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replied. "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.

The guy says, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!"

[Darkmew]

Deciding to go ice fishing, a drunk gathers his gear and walks around until he finds a large patch of ice. Heading into the center of it, he begins to saw a hole when he suddenly hears a booming voice coming out of the sky, "You will not find fish under that ice," the voice says.

Looking around and seeing no one, he begins sawing again. Again the voice speaks, "I said, there are no fish under that ice!"

Looking all around and still not seeing anyone, he once more picks up the saw and just as he's about to continue working on the hole the huge voice interrupts, "This is your third warning. There are no fish under that ice!"

Now frightened, he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No," the voice replies. "Well, who are you then?" he asks the voice.

"I am the manager of this hockey rink!"